At Work

A coworker wants to smoke. I agree to watch her section.

I check on her rowdy group of ten.

A large man says: "You're rocking that 'Geek Look' tonight!"

I tell him this is how I always look.

He laughs. He muses, "Imagine waking up to you every morning."

I ask if there is anything I can do for anyone.

He tells me: "Nah, you already got my wrinkles out."

...

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So, I’ll add mine. My son(5) is Mexican, my daughter (10) is not. This election has been hard on her, and we spoke openly about the issues and candidates. She wanted Hillary all along- she’s a natural feminist, and had some trouble accepting my support of Bernie Sanders, because- as a woman, I should support women. We delved deeper into values, and why it’s important to educate yourself. She was frustrated with me after the primaries, but she understood. As long as Trump was out of the picture, she respected my choice.

Her grandmothers both voted for Trump. I promised my vote to Hillary- it was a concession- but never Trump, obviously. She was devastated. She came home in tears. #removethe19th was scrawled on the bathroom walls, she said. Her best friend was not himself. His family had been preparing to move in case Trump won. Today he left early from school. She’s positive she will not see him again.

She’s pissed at her grandmothers. How could they vote for Trump when their own grandson is Mexican? I explained that he isn’t the target population for whatever crooked “immigration reform” Trump has cooked up. But does it matter?

What if they know he’s Mexican? Will they hurt him? She asks.

I don’t know. But I share her fear.

Talking with my sons father, he says some aunts and cousins are leaving soon as well. People I know and love, kids I’ve seen grow up, my kids cousins and playmates. They are citizens. They don’t feel safe.

Friends of mine who are sick worry if they can continue treatment for degenerative diseases after Trump swears in. If he upturns Obama Care, they would suffer tremendously.

My daughter cannot reconcile this. She has not had an easy childhood, and I have not been easy on her. She is strong and independent, fiercely smart, loyal, loving, hilarious, and a damn good human being. She is already one helluva woman.

But witnessing her heartbreak like that. Her steel resolve shatter. I broke.

Parents give everything for a better world for our kids, and we love the shit out of them. This week showed me sometimes that’s not enough anymore. I can’t kiss a scraped knee and make it all better. No amount of Mommy Magic can heal this.

For her this has been a huge turning point in how she saw her county, the world, and her family. I can’t fix this.

I can listen. I can promise her I did what I could to be a responsible citizen. I can show her what it looks like when 49% of the nation doesn’t show up to do its civic duty. I can allow her the comfort to express her anger and sadness without clutching my chest if she says Shit! or Fuck! I can let her eat cookies and cool whip while I drink a bottle of wine and she shows me every YouTube video she loves ever, because we both need a break from reality.

The effects of this crap election are immediately felt. I am not hopeful. I am sad. I am pissed. They are Fucking with my kids. My family. My body.

I will fight.

Day 1

She came home crying today. A good friend of hers from school is moving because his family is terrified. All I could do was listen and comfort. Assure her I did everything I could to prevent this.

She asked: why can't WE move.

Too complicated.

She asked: what happens now?

I said: I don't know.

She asked: are things going to get really bad?

I said: ...maybe.

It was 3:30 in the afternoon, today, in our kitchen- the blinds were open, but there wasn't much sun.  I wanted to tell my daughter everything was going to be ok- but why? How can I look in her face and tell her something I'm not sure I believe?

I told her we'll be together, no matter what.

And we sat on the couch all night watching YouTube videos.

******

What the FUCK am I supposed to do??? How do you parent like this?? My heart is broken.

Final Boss

Mabyl is gonna be so pissed.

If Trump wins tonight, she is going to be a deeply angry young Lady. She has followed this election closely- all on her own- since the start. She fell in love with Hillary. She thought it was very important to have a woman president.  Mabyl was born while W was in office, but President Obama will be the first president she will remember.  So to have a second hugely historic candidate as a follow up was truly something special.

One day, a Bernie Sanders magnet showed up and went on the refrigerator. Mabyl took notice immediately.  She puzzled over why i- a woman- wouldn't support Hillary.  And so opened up a wonderful and weird range of political discourse that pervaded the past two years with my daughter.

I explained how I had loved Hillary, and had hoped she would run for many years.  But as I learned more about Bernie Sanders, I felt his values were more similar to mine. Hillary had changed in a fundamental way I couldn't quite put my finger on. I didn't give a damn about those emails. It was something about her. I remember thinking Elizabeth Warren would have killed it this year.

We had a mutual disdain for Donald Trump. We talked about who he is and where he came from. She thought it was obscene he has a golden toilet.  He became the punchline of every joke.

Q.  Why did the chicken cross the road?

A.  Because Donald Trump was there.

Her biggest problem with him is his overt racism, and the Mexican Wall. Her little brother's grandmother is from Mexico City. It is his heritage. It is his family. They are people we know and love. He is my son.

She says, "If anyone tries to take MY brother to Mexico they're gonna have to take ME, too!"

It was awesome.  Mabyl and Holden are best buds. They love each other. They talk. They share. They fight. They say I love you, and goodnight.

I fear the world my children will have. I've done what I can to participate- to be an active citizen, and responsible- to be a good, and better example- to be the mother my children deserve- to be loving, forgiving, and good.

Trump just won Alaska. I...am not optimistic. I can not wonder how this happened anymore, because I was here and I saw it happen. I tried to stop it. My efforts did not matter.  I am devastated.