This is my favorite picture. I think its perfect. You are three years old. We live in the apartment. We are taking "selfies" in our bathroom mirror, and you are trying to pull the septum ring out of my nose. It was pierced then, and I wore a small silver horseshoe. You were fascinated by it, sort of in the same way you are still fascinated by my glasses.
You are quick, and always have been. Your innate sweetness is my foil. I get so caught up in my delight at you, I forget you are up to sneaky dealings. When your preschool teacher called me to inform me you were "Out of Sorts", she described a boy I didn't recognize. I was told you had been knocking over other children's blocks, and calling your classmates bad names, like "Pumpkinhead." In my mother's heart, I knew "Pumpkinhead" was not complimentary.
"Could you speak with Holden?" Ms. Viv asked.
I steadied myself. "Put him on, please."
You came on the line and said, "Hi, MomMom."
I thought: Hello, four-year-old. I said, "Hi Holden. I hear you're having a rough day. Do you want to tell me about that?"
You said, "Yeah, but MomMom, You are So Beautiful."
I thought: Damn it, four-year old.
I thought: Sweet talker.
I said, "That's fine, Holden, but you need to be nice at school."
You said, "OK, MomMom."
***
The first time you stole my glasses of my face, you were probably six months old. You were only making sounds then, but we all tried to get you to talk. You didn't say anything until you were about 11 months old. It was your first real word. It was: Cheese.
When you said "Cheese:, you got cheese. We would say it back and forth to each other, as if we'd had some kind of breakthrough in communication. Everything was Cheese. Did you bump your head? Cheese! Did you like that book? Should we read it 54 more times right now? Cheese!
Cheese. It's my favorite.
You are so special. If you don't know, you are named after my first true love: Holden Caulfield.
I get shit about it. It's stupid. Holden Caulfield is the protagonist of my very favorite book, Catcher in the Rye. People who criticize it don't understand it. We'll talk about it one day.
I have always wanted you. In the same way I wanted your sister, and she was planned, and here is my life with her. Mabyl and me against the world. I thought my chance to have you was gone. But, here you are. My boy. My Holden. I love you more all the time.
You are funny, You are smart. You are so sweet, considerate, compassionate, and kind. I don't know adults that behave as well as you. You seem guided by a deeper intuition, an innate morality, and your absolute sweetness- your good nature- I want it to endure.
You have made me a better person. You have made me a better Mom. I am grateful and thankful to know you, and I'm reminded everyday just by being in your company
I love you, my son.
Mom
