"i desire the things that will destroy me in the end..." -plath
there was a threshold recently, i nearly fell thru it like a plate glass window- missing it- missing all my own cues. thank goodness for relentless shadows, and the nag of consciousness. i toyed with the edge of a precipice- i peered, and the chasm stared back into me, and for the first time remembered to be careful fighting those monsters, because i. looked. away.
***
last night i didn't sleep. i wrestled the sheets, the walls, my mind, my body. i wept. i laughed hysterically. if anyone had witnessed, i'm positive i would have looked insane.
i'm sure, at some point around 4 a.m., i was insane.
i don't know what it was.
all my fears and anxieties became tangible, and exorcised. and i remembered something i used to tell myself a long time ago, for different reasons- a short verse, almost a prayer, that had found its way back into my head- so, i said it out loud:
i just need to make it thru this day- and if not this day, this hour- and if not this hour, this minute, this second
it is as healing now, as it was before. i won't forget again. and to keep that longing gaze to a bittersweet minimum.
***
[] [] [] reboot...
